“In old days there were angels who came and took men by the hand and led them away from the city of destruction. We see no white-winged angels now. But yet men are led away from threatening destruction: a hand is put into theirs, which leads them forth gently towards a calm and bright land, so that they look no more backward; and the hand may be a little child’s.” - George Eliot
This is a fantastic piece! This is my first Substack read since my first child was born last week, so very apt. Although this first week has been incredibly trying, as you point out, I also cannot deny that I think I have never been happier nor closer to my wife or God. Thanks for all the insight.
There is nothing more centering than the way you feel toward that infant that depends on you for every need. Even in the hard moments, that vulnerability is so palpable.
Really enjoyed this essay as a person fresh in their empty nest season, there is a lot of reflection and so much hope.
Interesting essay thank you, with some thought provoking ideas. I generally concur. My first child was born when I was 26 - and I instantly had to become a different person - with this responsibility for care. Challenging, yes; but of the good sort.
Into my late 20s I imagined a single life for myself. Something like an Evangelical kind of pseudo monasticism. Now quickly approaching 50, I’m Orthodox, married and have 4 children. It’s occurred to me on more than one occasion that God gave me children for my salvation. I suspect I would imagine myself a pretty decent person without the mirror my family serves as to show me how selfish, impatient and proud I am. Thank God He interrupted my plans.
I'd have loved to have kids under the right circumstances which for me extend from the micro (personal) to the macro (where the world is arguably headed during my particular time of being on the scene) - i'da spawned a clan under the right circumstances with the right woman of course. Given this, i am forever curious about the choice to have children in this particular age. I've queried people on this, when it seemed not inappropriate. Not a single one of them has ever responded "i took a sober look at the state of the world and concluded it was a really auspicious time for a new person to be born and live." All gave reasons related to themselves. Their drives, their needs, their wants. "We thought it would be good for our marriage" is a common one for instance.
I guess the question is, "When would the right circumstances be?" The world is inherently risky and uncertain. I think it's pretty reasonable to say this is the best time to have children though. Lowest risk of infant and maternal mortality. Lowest risk of death by disease, famine, etc.
It really helps to have a religious framework, which is why fertility trends are so shaped by your micro-culture.
When would the right circumstances be? Here’s some indicators come to my mind…
Large picture:
-Your civilization is in its ascendency, guaranteeing the best possible opportuities for some reasonable to expect duration. People will tell you you cannot know this, but that’s rubbish, there is some basic math that applies and always has. In terms of ours, techno/industrial modernity, that would be any time in general during the 200 year span ending in 1970, when our model stagnated. (Now in decline.);
-The planet actually needs more human beings, that is, we haven’t entered some terminal overshoot that will only end in gross calamity. Science suggests we entered general planetary overshoot after 1930, and we’re now 4 or 5 times too populous to endure in this space indefinitely, with all signs of this being the case are closing in on us by the year;
-Democracy is thriving, there is a large and rich land resource base relative to a modest population - lots of square miles and resources per capita;
-The biosphere that supports us is in good shape…
Etc. When you start to break this down the list becomes very long, especially when you start to list personal circumstances that would indicate the wisdom of bringing a child into the world under the individual parameters. A religious framework may help you deal with exigencies absolutely, but it does not alter baseline reality. For instance, “Thank god my child was brought healthy and with a great chance of survival relative to physical pathology into this zone of escalating war, chaos and ecological collapse!” I’m not sure the measures of survival odds at infancy and childhood are good indicators. It’s not so much that you survive as it is what are you surviving for?
There's an Orthodox monastic phrase that encapsulates this nicely: "May it be blessed." This is the appropriate response to directives given by one's superior (whether that be an abbott or elder). Undoubtedly this was the response Elder Ephraim routinely gave his abusive elder, Father Nikephoros.
Importantly, this phrase is not exclusively the possession of monastics: it equally applies to life as an Orthodox layperson. One can use it to respond to moments of friction and tension: "May it be blessed."
Doing so invites God's presence into difficult moments. It also helps us acknowledge that God has allowed these difficulties to occur for the sake of our salvation. It is as if we are responding to God, "Ah, I see You have ordained this difficulty for me. I embrace it and offer it back to You in loving submission to Your will. Let it be to me for my salvation."
Kids are arguably one of the best use cases for this with all the surprises, both good and bad, they present us parents.
These four references feature various authors who were passionately interested in raising sane well balanced children in a world that has always been insane and increasingly so in 2025.
The author featured on the first site coined the phrase "our monstrous misunderstanding" re the all-important topic of child-rearing, including life in utero, the birthing process and much more.
The phrase was featured in his first book Magical Child (1977)
At about the same time Frederick Leboyer published his book Birth Without Violence. At the time it was widely believed that new-born babies did not feel anything - this was a monstrous misunderstanding
“In old days there were angels who came and took men by the hand and led them away from the city of destruction. We see no white-winged angels now. But yet men are led away from threatening destruction: a hand is put into theirs, which leads them forth gently towards a calm and bright land, so that they look no more backward; and the hand may be a little child’s.” - George Eliot
Great essay, Ben! It reminded me how excited I am to have kids—thank you!
It is worth being excited about!
This is a fantastic piece! This is my first Substack read since my first child was born last week, so very apt. Although this first week has been incredibly trying, as you point out, I also cannot deny that I think I have never been happier nor closer to my wife or God. Thanks for all the insight.
Yes, all of the above!
There is nothing more centering than the way you feel toward that infant that depends on you for every need. Even in the hard moments, that vulnerability is so palpable.
Really enjoyed this essay as a person fresh in their empty nest season, there is a lot of reflection and so much hope.
Yes, that responsibility for a totally dependent infant is life-changing. It's taken a few for me to even start to grasp the gravity of it.
Interesting essay thank you, with some thought provoking ideas. I generally concur. My first child was born when I was 26 - and I instantly had to become a different person - with this responsibility for care. Challenging, yes; but of the good sort.
I am nearly unrecognizable from the man I was just three years ago. It's crazy.
Wow. This was superb.
(And not just because I'm due to give birth to our fourth child in less than six years! ha)
4 under 6! That's awesome. I was partially writing this to gin myself up for 3 under 3, so I'm glad to hear it gave you some encouragement!
Into my late 20s I imagined a single life for myself. Something like an Evangelical kind of pseudo monasticism. Now quickly approaching 50, I’m Orthodox, married and have 4 children. It’s occurred to me on more than one occasion that God gave me children for my salvation. I suspect I would imagine myself a pretty decent person without the mirror my family serves as to show me how selfish, impatient and proud I am. Thank God He interrupted my plans.
Wow, God bless you! Yes, family really does hold up a mirror, doesn't it!
I'd have loved to have kids under the right circumstances which for me extend from the micro (personal) to the macro (where the world is arguably headed during my particular time of being on the scene) - i'da spawned a clan under the right circumstances with the right woman of course. Given this, i am forever curious about the choice to have children in this particular age. I've queried people on this, when it seemed not inappropriate. Not a single one of them has ever responded "i took a sober look at the state of the world and concluded it was a really auspicious time for a new person to be born and live." All gave reasons related to themselves. Their drives, their needs, their wants. "We thought it would be good for our marriage" is a common one for instance.
I guess the question is, "When would the right circumstances be?" The world is inherently risky and uncertain. I think it's pretty reasonable to say this is the best time to have children though. Lowest risk of infant and maternal mortality. Lowest risk of death by disease, famine, etc.
It really helps to have a religious framework, which is why fertility trends are so shaped by your micro-culture.
When would the right circumstances be? Here’s some indicators come to my mind…
Large picture:
-Your civilization is in its ascendency, guaranteeing the best possible opportuities for some reasonable to expect duration. People will tell you you cannot know this, but that’s rubbish, there is some basic math that applies and always has. In terms of ours, techno/industrial modernity, that would be any time in general during the 200 year span ending in 1970, when our model stagnated. (Now in decline.);
-The planet actually needs more human beings, that is, we haven’t entered some terminal overshoot that will only end in gross calamity. Science suggests we entered general planetary overshoot after 1930, and we’re now 4 or 5 times too populous to endure in this space indefinitely, with all signs of this being the case are closing in on us by the year;
-Democracy is thriving, there is a large and rich land resource base relative to a modest population - lots of square miles and resources per capita;
-The biosphere that supports us is in good shape…
Etc. When you start to break this down the list becomes very long, especially when you start to list personal circumstances that would indicate the wisdom of bringing a child into the world under the individual parameters. A religious framework may help you deal with exigencies absolutely, but it does not alter baseline reality. For instance, “Thank god my child was brought healthy and with a great chance of survival relative to physical pathology into this zone of escalating war, chaos and ecological collapse!” I’m not sure the measures of survival odds at infancy and childhood are good indicators. It’s not so much that you survive as it is what are you surviving for?
There's an Orthodox monastic phrase that encapsulates this nicely: "May it be blessed." This is the appropriate response to directives given by one's superior (whether that be an abbott or elder). Undoubtedly this was the response Elder Ephraim routinely gave his abusive elder, Father Nikephoros.
Importantly, this phrase is not exclusively the possession of monastics: it equally applies to life as an Orthodox layperson. One can use it to respond to moments of friction and tension: "May it be blessed."
Doing so invites God's presence into difficult moments. It also helps us acknowledge that God has allowed these difficulties to occur for the sake of our salvation. It is as if we are responding to God, "Ah, I see You have ordained this difficulty for me. I embrace it and offer it back to You in loving submission to Your will. Let it be to me for my salvation."
Kids are arguably one of the best use cases for this with all the surprises, both good and bad, they present us parents.
Wow, this is profound. Thank you for sharing!
These four references feature various authors who were passionately interested in raising sane well balanced children in a world that has always been insane and increasingly so in 2025.
The author featured on the first site coined the phrase "our monstrous misunderstanding" re the all-important topic of child-rearing, including life in utero, the birthing process and much more.
The phrase was featured in his first book Magical Child (1977)
At about the same time Frederick Leboyer published his book Birth Without Violence. At the time it was widely believed that new-born babies did not feel anything - this was a monstrous misunderstanding
http://ttfuture.org
http://www.wombecology.com
http://www.alice-miller.com/en
http://violence.de/index.html
And I might add our culture which is in essence a form of collective psychosis passes on the collective savagery from generation to generation.
This reference describes our collective Wetiko Psychosis
http://www.awakeninthedream.com/undreaming-wetiko-introduction
That savagery and psychosis now lives in the White House and thus by extension the collective American psyche.